The month of the expectation

When I was released from the hospital Dec. 29th 2009,I thought I would be well by May. I misheard, misunderstood that 6 months was a usual recovery time. Now I've heard that by 6 months or a year, Stroke survivors often have 50% of their function back. Full recovery could take years and frankly, there are no promises only cavates about recovery. When I asked about when I would get the proper sensation in my skin back on my left; I was told possibly never. My pain and temperture recptors are royally fucked up at this point. cold feels like fire as well as Chuck lightly touching that side. I can feel some things and not others. Random and chancy. I can live with it, but hey, I'd like to not have to.I thought I'd be able to go on a trip back East in May. Now I'm shooting for Oct., and that might be too optimistic also. Time is both my friend and my source of frustration.

I'm getting stronger on my feet. At rehab a couple months ago, I was asked for a short-term goal in recovery. I told them I'd like to get up, walk barefoot to the bathroom in the night or first in the morning. Normal, basic thing without the one-handed amount of time it takes getting dressed with shoes I needed for a base stability and support.Well, as goofy as it is to bring up again; I have managed to neet that goal. It's not as I envisioned it. Nothing in this stroke recovery is though, so what else could I expect. My left foot still has some drop to it, so I am a bit ungraceful and use my cane or the wall to get to the bathroom, but I get there, and I can feel the floor on the soles of my feet and the small bones shift under me as the muscles try to find my bodies balance, sending signals back and forth between brain and function; Morse code traveling new wires in my cerebral cosmos,bringing me closer to being the fluid biped my nature wants to be again

I'm exercising on the short flight of covered outdoor stairs for 20-30 minutes a day. It's a far cry from my daily pre-stroke 2-3 hour walks. I'm trying to get my hip muscles and knee stronger and less easily fatigued. I can walk step over step with a railing, fairly well. I'm working toward no railing. yikes... I'm also learning to step/walk backward on the landing with a little wall assist. A month ago, the left back step was a blank spot and now my brain is starting to 'see' the motion. bend knee ,lift foot,slow position back, toe down slowly, easy to the heel. complete step. 99,999 more of these and I should have it down pat, or so they say.:)

I'm able to get down on the floor now to do some exercising there. Mostly core and weight bearing for my arm. Getting up is still hard but I manage. Goal for getting up is pushing up on my own knee rather than the couch assist.I'll ask my PT 'bout that

My arm is coming slower than my leg. Again, nothing about recovery is as I thought it would be.The arm involves pain, so it's a bit trickier than the walking/leg. But that will improve as I get more function. It's very circular.Independence is my carrot. Chuck had to fix the flat on my Jeep as it was a violation of the condo rules to have a disabled vehicle on the premises, and maintenance left a big red notice of tow intent on it. So there it sits, waiting for me. I'm so close to being able to walk well enough, months really, till I'm fast and balanced enough to walk in the community.to the store, to the gas station, to the damn post office.

I have to fight Chuck's fears every time I move forward. His fears of me hurting myself are very hard on my confidence. Then there is the blackmail factor of telling me his blood pressure can't handle things, when I want to try something new. some things I try for the first time when he is home because my caution says its safe that way. Other things I have to try while he's at work to save us both the emotional upset he causes.I repeatedly tell him I will not allow myself to be afraid of things, like him. I've already developed fears I didn't have previous to our 11 year marriage. I'm getting myself back physically from this stroke, then I'm going to get myself back mentally from placating my husbands insecurities for so long. He means well and he loves me, but he's trapped in himself and fear of loss. I can't, I won't reside there with him. I don't have enough years left to squander them being afraid.Another lesson by example on life for my daughter.

I had no clue I knew so little about so much, for so long. Frightens me to think about how much I don't know now.